Marvel Studios: A Love-Hate Relationship

          If you asked me to name a studio that has always had me leave the theater feeling excited, joyous, dare I say downright giddy, I'd be hard-pressed to think of any candidate other than Marvel. However, like a crack addict with a trust fund, I often find myself craving more and quickly getting exactly that. As hazardous as both may be to my health, I can't help but indulge in every installment Marvel throws at me.
 

Y'all got some Iron Man 3 up in this bitch?

          Don't get me wrong, every time I see the word "Marvel" pop up on the screen, the movie gets my undivided attention, but since the executives at Marvel have seen fit to tell us about the basic plan to make 12 Avengers-centric movies, I can't help but feel the anticipation for the finished product take away from the enjoyment of each individual film. Rather than enjoy each movie based on it's own merits, I can now only see them as a stepping-stone to the next stepping-stone to the next stepping-stone to a long-awaited movie that includes all the stepping-stones.
          That allusion stopped dead in it's tracks, let me try this; Pretend you're in a fancy restaurant. Not the "tiny pieces of food and a puny drizzle of sauce" kind of fancy restaurant, more along the lines of "Every single item tastes great but everything is a la carte" kind of fancy restaurant. Each Marvel movie that leads to an Avengers movie is like a side dish; grilled asparagus sprouts, potatoes au gratin, blooming onion (because any place that insinuates a blooming onion isn't good eatin' is a place I refuse to acknowledge), each of these is great on their own. But oh by the Force when these great things come together around a well-prepared steak still sizzling in its own juices, you need to sit back and soak in the reality before you're able to bring yourself to dive in.

Steak gives my stomach a boner... what was I talking about?

          But what happens when you know an Avengers movie is coming? The same thing that happens to a hella-tasty salad when you're expecting filet mignon, you hork that shit down with no regard for its individual value, paying only the slightest attention because you're pretty sure it'll be somehow referenced in the big finale you can't stop drooling about.
           Sure you can still appreciate every movie leading up to the finale, but with such a tantalizing feature hanging over our heads, our attention span gets stretched thinner than Reed Richards trying to lasso the moon from his backyard.

I scour Google for pictures to make you uncomfortable. It's an art and a science.

           Though it's not completely the fault of our short attention spans. As many of you know, it's become customary for Marvel movies to include an extra scene at the end of the credits of every movie, basically to set the stage for the next movie. As tantalizing as a sneak peak of the next movie may be, the viewing public now isn't leaving the theater talking excitedly about the movie they just watched, but now the movie they haven't seen. There's really no easier way to diminish appreciation for a movie than to basically tell everyone who watched it that the next one will be even better. I couldn't think about how much I enjoyed Iron Man 2 because I was already thinking about Thor. I couldn't fawn over the joyride Captain America provided because I was too busy wondering how The Avengers would play out. I can't even say I'll be entirely present in the new Avengers movie because the villain will be Ultron, rather than Thanos, who was the post-credits tease at the end of the first Avengers movie.

          Further than the anticipation of future movies, I can only guess at the turmoil that kids will go through when they have to deal with the canon of all of these movies. "Yes little Timmy, I know you just want to watch all the Iron Man movies because he's your favorite, but you're gonna need to watch these six other movies in order to understand everything that's going on." I can only imagine that Peter Jackson is stewing in his ridiculously well re-created library of Minas Tirith about how much more shelf space the Avengers movies take up than his own, probably fueling his desire to make a six-part movie series based on the Simarillion that heavily features Gandalf for some reason, but I'm getting off track.

          What about the characters? The Avengers had a pretty extensive menagerie, but with the recent buildup of other story lines, coupled with the fact that the lineup of the Avengers was always subject to change, to include superheroes from the X-Men, Fantastic Four, and any number of singular characters. And with the vast number of movies Marvel has been releasing as of late, not to mention the fact that they ALL lead up to their own sequels, we could be led to believe that a "final" Avengers movie could be one giant battle against a God-like supervillain.

You rang?

          But do you have any idea how ridiculously difficult it's going to be to prepare ourselves for a huge finish that ties in what could possibly be EVERY Marvel movie (not including the Toby MacGuire Spiderman movies, thank the Force)? Don't get me wrong, the fact that obsessing over the timelines of several comic book superheroes being an undertaking only truly dedicated nerds can accomplish fills me with a certain righteous joy that almost makes up for the numerous times I was crammed into things in high school. But at the same time, these are movies meant to appeal to everyone, and frankly not everyone shares the same wonderful obsessive disorders that give nerds an advantage. Of course it's likely that IF they tie in every Marvel hero that has hit the screen, they'll give a select few the actual spotlight and allow the rest to quietly occupy the screen in the manner of jumping/flying/zip lining around while explosions render the background to rubble, much like the seven or eight dwarves in the Hobbit trilogy who's names people who've only seen the movies can never remember.

Bombur, continuing a proud tradition of characters remembered for more than being "the fat one"

          But back to my original point, if what I postulate turns out to be what actually happens, two things will happen; First, I'm going to run up and down the streets proclaiming my clairvoyance, and secondly the movie poster will probably look something like this...

What's even going on? How does everyone even know each other? Who the fuck invited DareDevil?

          Marvel, I love your movies, I'm going to watch every single one and do my best to enjoy myself and resist the urge to distract myself with whatever else you have planned for your next installment. But for fuck's sake, slow the hell down, let us take in your unique ability to tie in complex storylines and revel in the unique excitement you instill in your viewers.

          At least you stick to movies, not forcing your fans to research supplemental materials that they might be unable to get because they don't have cable or something. I mean, it's not like you have a television series that I've been missing out on that will be referenced in future movies and includes vital plot points for beloved characters, right? Right?

OH GODDAMN IT!

The Tragedy of King Koopa

                Anyone who plays video games at least knows about Bowser, the King Koopa, the Duke of Dungeons, the Ferocious Firebreather, the… guy who apparently never saw fit to invest in a sturdy bridge.

               

Prepare for crushing regret in 3...2...

                For years we were told that Bowser was evil, a repeat offender of kidnapping Princess Peach, and the singular scourge of the Mushroom Kingdom. Every game that followed involved putting this devious, psychotic, probable rapist in his place, which in more cases than not, was a pool of lava. He remains one of the most fundamental archetypes of villainy in video game history; he wants something, and he goes to maniacally illegal lengths to get it.

                But what is his true motive? Why does he only target Princess Peach? He knows she’s still Mario’s girlfriend, the one man who consecutively hands him his spiked green ass on a silver platter, after so many failed attempts, why hasn’t he considered a new love interest? Perhaps too many evenings alone with nothing but the world’s largest Croc sandal has left his judgment scattered to the winds. But then again, perhaps not.

                In the years that followed, we were shown games in which Mario, Bowser and Peach were all getting along, going out to play baseball, soccer, tennis, even golf. Fucking GOLF! Do you know how hard it is to not go completely psychotic when you surround yourself with clubs, golf carts, and force me to play the most boring sport ever conceived? The Simpsons do…

                So what happened between then and now? Did bowser undergo an assload of mental reconditioning so that he could be allowed to re-enter society? Sure it’s nice to hope that a villain can be rehabilitated to be good, but this is not the case. The games in which Bowser plays friendly games with everyone else in fact happened in the past, before Princess Peach became the object of Mario’s desire.

IT’S STORY TIME!

               

                It’s the golden age of the Mushroom Kingdom, no citizen wants for anything and evil is unheard of. Bowser is enjoying a pleasant walk to his best friend Mario’s house, to invite him and his brother Luigi to a friendly game of tennis. Along the way he gazes in amazement at the sheer impressiveness of the Mushroom Palace, a long standing symbol of peace and harmony, from the ivory spires reaching toward the heavens, to the clear blue river that split and encircled the castle and continued down to bring life to the crops of the farmers in the valley, epitomizing the wholeness of the kingdom. Approaching the door of Mario’s home, Bowser sees a note addressed to him pinned against the wooden frame;

                                                 

                             Hi Bowser,

                             Sorry, I can’t play games with you today,

                             Peach invited me over for some cake again.

                             I really hope she means sex this time, I’ve

                             been trying to get with this chick for like,

                             three weeks. Anyway, I’ll catch you later buddy.

                             -Mario

                Bowser sulks as he reads the note, Mario’s blown him off so many times now to go hang out with Peach. Of course Bowser’s happy for him, and he would never want to come between his best friend and his happiness, so he goes to find some other friends to play with him.

                Days pass, which turn into weeks, and soon months. Bowser sees his friend less and less as he’s quickly seduced by Peach and her promise of “cake”. Whether or not this “cake” is actual cake or a playful euphemism, Bowser doesn’t know, but he misses Mario, they haven’t been able to spend quality time as friends for far too long. Finally he decides, “If Mario and Peach are always together, maybe we can do something as a group” and so he begins the long walk to the Mushroom Palace.

                The skies above the palace were unseasonably cloudy that day, matting the reflective glory of the palace and rendering the glimmering white to a drab and depressing grey, reducing the wonderful optimism the towers usually exemplified to that of a dreadful and oppressive tone not unlike that of a gigantic dungeon. Bowser could feel his stomach begin to knot at the thought of his best friend being a prisoner inside.

                Greeted by the palace staff, whom all think highly of Bowser, he makes his way to Peach’s tower, which is closed behind a door with a sign, he could almost feel addressed to him personally, affixed to it;

                                               

                                     Please do not disturb, Mario and I are enjoying

                             each other’s company and prefer our privacy,

                             please take any concerns or messages to the

                             concierge on your way out. Thank you.

                             Peach

               

            Bowser feels his concerns begin to coalesce into genuine worry. He and Peach were never perfectly copacetic when it came to social interaction, but she at least used to put their differences aside when it came to the few and far between days in which he and Mario saw each other. But to sequester themselves indefinitely within the palace, Bowser could only imagine what might become of his best friend.

On the way back to his home Bowser crosses paths with Luigi, “Oh geeze, Bowser!” Luigi yells as he runs toward him, wrinkles of worry lining his face, “We gotta do a-something about Mario, that lady Peach, she-a doesn’t let him come home anymore, I went and-a saw him the other day, he looks worse than a week old-a meatball!” Bowser only looks at Luigi and knows what he has to do to help his best friend.

                For weeks nobody has seen Bowser, nobody’s even heard from him, but they’ve noticed he’s bought eight of the most dilapidated castles in the outskirts of the kingdom and has been restoring them and assigning a full staff of goombas, koopas, whomps, boos and shy guys. Surely he must be opening a chain of upscale resort hotels for the people of the Mushroom Kingdom, and they think nothing more of it.

                As the last castle is completed, Bowser stares at himself in a mirror. Today’s the day it all comes together, today’s the day everything changes, his old life is behind him, what he does now and for the rest of his life is for the good of his best friend. Even though Mario will surely never consider Bowser a friend again.

                He’ll kidnap Princess Peach, he’ll hide her away in the furthest castle he owns from the Mushroom Palace. Mario will come after her, he’ll be compelled to do so, and to get to Peach he’ll have to get past the miles of obstacles separating them. The obstacles he’s designed aren’t dangerous, most can be avoided just by jumping over them, but that’s what Bowser intends. Through the gauntlet he’s designed, Mario will finally be able to get his proper exercise, some fresh air, and a sense of direction. Mario will feel like he’s racing against time, because he’ll think Bowser will do terrible things to Peach, though he never would, as much as he wished he could, he despised her for what she’s done to his best friend.

                The end will come eventually, where Bowser will wait at the end for a final confrontation. This is where his façade must be completely convincing. Mario will see Bowser as a monster, and it’s a monster’s role that Bowser must play, no matter how terrible this new reality he imposes upon his friend makes him feel. Of course he’ll let himself be defeated easily, Bowser is much larger than Mario, if it were a fair fight Mario wouldn’t last a minute against Bowser’s massive size. He’ll pretend he’s giving it his all, but all he wants is just a minute or two to see that old fire in his friend’s eyes, to see that he’s still healthy and hasn’t succumbed to complacency at the hands of that wicked woman.

                The most heartbreaking truth Bowser must accept is that this is only a temporary solution. When Mario “rescues” Peach, he’ll just go right back to watching his health deteriorate as Peach keeps him as a prisoner of her love. So he must do this again, and again, and again. The people of the Mushroom Kingdom will demonize him, they’ll label him a villain, public enemy number one. Fine, if it must be so, he will accept his new title, he will pretend to revel in it, he will look upon the distant horizon of the kingdom of those he once considered his greatest friends and say “I am evil, I will stop at nothing until everything you love burns to the ground and I stand above you all as your conqueror!”

                With a deep breath, he steps outside of his castle, his hot air balloon waits ready for him, several koopas have come to see him off. They are unaware of Bowser’s true intentions, they simply know their purpose is to stop Mario from reaching the castle. Bowser himself is the only one he trusts with such a weighty secret. He sheds a single tear for what he is about to do as he climbs into his balloon, and lifts away from the ground, marking his course directly for Princess Peach’s tower…

                And the rest, is history.

                Could this have been what actually happened? Is the image of Bowser the Terrible a true representation, or merely a façade adopted by what can arguably be called the most tragic hero of video game history? While it may be true that a more tragic hero might be imagined in recent games, in no other instance will you find a single character who, out of care for their friend’s well-being, adopted the persona of a villain, had forsaken their old life and almost any chance of happiness in the future, and even bared the terrible responsibility of perpetuating a tradition in which their best friend, whom they gave up so much for, now despises them. Does any other character keep their peace in the face of being hated by everyone that once called them “friend”?

                I defy you to find one example of a better friend to an undeserving person than Bowser is to Mario.

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       Hello there, welcome to my blog. This is where I'm going to put pretty much everything that I can write that I deem not to be total crap, and also some stuff that might be crap. I'm an aspiring writer so I need to write all I can in the hopes that one day I can get paid to do this.
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