It's never not a good time to be introspective, and with recent events and controversies coming to light I find myself revisiting those times in my life where a select few of bad examples of a demographic had colored my opinion in a bad light. Now, it's never acceptable to judge an entire group by the few bad experiences you might've had dealing with such a tiny percentage, nevertheless the human psyche is much more apt to remember bad experiences than good ones in order to avoid repeating those bad experiences. It may be a survival mechanism encoded into our DNA, but it's no excuse to be a dick to someone. This is a lesson I've had to learn over and over again, and while it can be applied to many different circumstances, I'm going to draw from my own personal experience. Fill in the key words with whatever might be relevant to you.
Growing up as a nerd, there's one suspicion that creeps into our heads and firmly plants itself there with a custom armchair and a big-ass T.V.; the fact that while the friends we've made in our niche interest group are among the most loyal and understanding, a snowball did in fact have a better chance in hell than any of us did in finding a girlfriend. Now this is a tricky part to talk about because there have always been women in these niche groups. Nerdy girls are nothing new, there have been women in nerd circles just as long as there have been guys, though there is usually a large ratio of guys to girls in any one of these circles, and this my be our own fault; no not because of the infamous "nerd funk" that would drive away anyone with a sense of smell, but because in such a predominantly male environment many women who find common ground in a group that shares an interest in Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Magic the Gathering or any other particular fandom often find themselves disregarding their femininity.
It's not a novel concept that many nerdy circles have a certain unisex vibe among it's members, and tragically for its female members, it usually skews in the male direction. This isn't a requirement of belonging to a group, it's merely a terrible and unintentional side effect. A young male nerd is more skittish than a deer on crack, and there's nothing more threatening or terrifying than a woman who shares his interests and is confidently exhibiting their femininity. Now it could be that women, when entering a group for the first time are fully aware of how intimidating they can be upon first encounter, and so they go completely Jane Goodall on the group and take time to learn their ways before interacting with them in order to reduce the stress caused by their presence. Then again, much more likely, and as with any group, a new member would tend to adopt a more homogenous persona in order to increase their chances of overall acceptance. As a result, we tend to see women in our groups as "one of the guys". It's not an ideal situation for a woman seeking acceptance to be in, but on the other hand being seen as "one of the guys" is an example of equality that is unseen in most other situations. Women are seen as equals, even rivals alongside men, but when it comes at a cost of being identified as a woman, is it entirely healthy? At what point can personal identity and equality both coexist?
Big questions aside, for a long while female participation was welcomed in nerd circles, they were close-knit groups that supported each other when most others would find reason to harass, torment, and/or bully them otherwise. All the while still wracked with the same festering suspicion in their minds that while they have friends they would not trade for anything in the world, they would never find themselves in a relationship.
Enter the bane of nerd culture, the single monkey wrench that could throw the gears of nerd culture out of sync, the fake nerd. This is not to be confused with how we regard the term now, but the actual true definition. One person who infiltrated the safety and sanctity of a nerd circle, for one reason or another, one example being that the "fake nerd" feels insecure and seeks validation through attention and admiration of others. Male or female, the "fake nerd" is normally one of above average looks; clear skin, attractive physique, well-maintained hair etc., who is also able to use that finely-tuned charm and feigned interest in whatever the others may be fans of to garter all attention for themselves. Suddenly an attractive person was speaking to us, it was almost unheard of that someone who could congregate with the more popular cliques would spend time with the nerds. It was new, it was exciting, our minds swam with the possibilities of breaking down barriers that divided us and sharing our passions and hobbies with others, ushering in an era of peace unheard of in human history.
Blind idealism tends to get shut down either quickly or painfully.
Again, this is a time in our lives when we were already certain that a relationship wouldn't happen, the only people we happened to have crushes on were, as we had convinced ourselves, completely out of our league. But here it was happening, maybe it was that really cute redheaded girl with that perfect smile that made you forget breathing was a necessity, maybe it was that tall, dark and handsome guy on the student council, whomever it may have been we were petrified with joy and excitement that someone like that would want to hang out with someone like us.
The next few weeks would go by, and things would be looking great. Making a new friend is always an adventure; you learn about them and teach them about you, forging a special bond that we might have hoped would develop into something more, but kept at a certain distance by our hesitant nature. Before we knew it, our new friend was also hanging out with our old friends, and below all the camaraderie, all the good cheer, all the fun... grew a tiny seed of jealousy. Before we knew it we found ourselves competing for the new "friend's" attention. We had to make sure they knew we were the most interesting, or the smartest, or had the most to offer. We could sense the rivalry in the air, and we weren't above putting lifelong friendships at risk for a fantasy relationship that might not even happen, nevertheless we were competing with each other now, for a prize that none of us knew wasn't worth it.
Unbeknownst to us, this new "friend" most likely didn't have any interest in us, or our culture, and in fact may have laughed at our expense with their other friends when we parted ways after hanging out. This was one of the worst examples of humanity, one who sees themselves as something to be put on a pedestal, a self-proclaimed god among mortals who didn't find that kind of validation in their usual circles. So what would they do? They would venture into new territory, where they could put forth the minimum amount of effort necessary to garner attention, and then play the waiting game until the citizens of this new circle were suddenly at each others throats competing for their attention. And like an old cliche, we played right into their hands.
It wouldn't be until puberty came down to a simmer and small nuggets of hard-earned wisdom finally crystallized in our heads that we would figure out exactly what had happened, and hopefully not before any true friendships were put at risk. It was a lesson we had learned the hard way, and it was one we would not soon forget. On top of every other paranoid theory that might have been seeping in the back of our minds, the fact that someone might only pretend to be interested in us in order to inflate their own ego with our attention was now among them.
If you've read this far, I admire your ability to concentrate through my seemingly endless rambling and I promise you, the point is being driven home soon.
It was this lesson that caused the hatred towards anyone that might be falsifying their geekhood to further their own agenda. We didn't want to be burned like that ever again, and so we became paranoid, distrusting, and angry. Suddenly anyone claiming to be a nerd or a geek had to prove themselves; trivia, video game skill, the size of their comic book collection, it didn't matter. We were looking for any reason to shut someone out of the safety of our own circle. And shameful as it was, it was women who suffered most from this. Any girl even moderately attractive by general standards who uttered anything like "oh, I love the Harry Potter books!" was immediately put under suspicion, and just because they couldn't remember the breeds of dragons in book four, or how students survived the basilisk attacks in book two, we shunned them, telling them to their face that they weren't a "real nerd".
Looking back I can't believe I was ever that cold. Here someone might have been looking for somewhere to belong, where they could share their common interests with us, a safe place where they could be themselves. And like overpaid bouncers at an expensive nightclub we told them to scram, get lost, we don't want you here. We can't know how far the ripples of our actions go, all we can do is try to make those actions affect others in a positive way, and back then I failed spectacularly.
So here it is, to anyone out there who might be reading this, to anyone I excluded because suspicion and antitrust clouded my good conscience, to anyone I denied the right to feel welcomed in a culture where anyone should be allowed to participate, from the bottom of my heart.
I Am Sorry.
I don't expect any sort of forgiveness, it was a shit thing to do. I should have known better, especially having seen the inside of far too many trash cans and lockers growing up. It's never okay to exclude somebody just because you think they'd just end up revealing themselves to be a wolf in sheep's clothing. This long-winded apology is just a small sentiment of what's truly owed to you, which was the chance to make new friends, a chance to belong, a chance to see that this planet isn't completely populated by assholes. That's a chance I took from you, and I can never give it back, and once again, I am sorry.
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