XBox Done

          I love video games. I love everything about them. It's an artistic medium in which writers, artists, code designers, musicians, and hundreds of other people all come together to make something great. It's the only form of art in which the observer can feel like a part of the art itself, where they can feel immersed in a fictional world painstakingly created purely for their enjoyment. For a brief few hours we make a bond with everyone who put in the long hours and suffered the frustrating setbacks to bring us a small amount of joy in a world that sometimes feels like it misses no opportunity to kick us in the balls.

It's like Final Destination, but for your testicles.

          For much of my life I was an XBox player. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed PlayStation and Nintendo's many awesome gadgets, but XBox and I had formed a special relationship. I can still remember how it started with a simple game called Cel Damage. It was far from perfect, and yet it was absolutely perfect; a Twisted Metal-esque driving game where you collect crazy-ass weapons and use them to chop, burn, explode, freeze, shred, or harpoon other players until you were absolutely sick of it, which never happened. I can even credit this game with giving me a healthy relationship with my sister who was much more outdoorsy than me, but this game was something we loved playing together, it was something special that we shared even given our vastly different interests. The graphics were bad, the attempted humor of the character voices fell flat, and the physics were insanely inaccurate, but this XBox exclusive was the closest evidence to prove that there was a god of fun I could think of.

No, that's a fun god, not a god of fun.

There we go.

          Back to the point, XBox had helped me foster friendships far and wide, albeit there were several instances in which I said terrible things to a ten-year-old who just that day learned a new swear word, but overall it became a means for a shy little kid to make friends with other people who enjoyed similar video games.

           It got even better with the XBox 360; a ton more games, easier online multi-player, and achievements that made games more than progression through the story, but a story with goals that made gameplay a personal challenge. Yes, it was merely an imaginary reward, but it was never about the points, it was about the game challenging you to go beyond what you thought were your limitations in the game. They were the video game equivalent of Boy Scout badges, only of any true value to the one who earned it, but a small token of individual pride that you were beset with a goal, and of your own free will and determination, achieved it.

          Over the course of most of a decade, Microsoft and I had grown close. My XBox 360 was always willing to play games no matter the time of day or for how long, it only cared about having fun. We both had our own shortcomings, but it was easily to look past. I couldn't play games nearly as much as I wanted, forcing it to wait patiently until my time became free, and 360 couldn't play any games from the old XBox that I liked, nobody's perfect. It became something along the lines of a deep friendship, I found myself arguing passionately Microsoft's merits with PS3 gamers as though they had just talked crap about my best friend.

This was the argument in our heads. The real one was just... sad.

          Then E3 2013 rolled around, I couldn't have been more excited to see what my 360 would evolve into, and although the marketing executives could have picked from presumably thousands of better names, I could only imagine the amazing things it could bring with its new incarnation.

          Instead I, much like every other XBox player, was rewarded with shock, disappointment, and soul-shattering betrayal in the form of DRM-related bullshit. No game sharing, a mandatory check-in every 24 hours (which meant you had to have internet service wherever you were playing), a motion sensor that would always remain on, and had to be connected or else nothing would work, and not to mention a certain Microsoft executive's oh-so-appreciative sentiment of military personnel not being able to play their new console.

          For those of you who elected not to play the video, around the two minute mark this multi-millionaire dickbasket addresses the fact that some people do not have internet connectivity (he alludes specifically to people on nuclear powered submarines) and suggests that those people just stick with their XBox 360.

          Microsoft clearly went down the wrong rabbit hole here when they decided to release a console with terrible policies, and then made it public knowledge that they didn't even care that some people wouldn't even be able to play it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, here I thought Microsoft and I were friends, looking past each others' minor faults and seeing the genuine good on the inside, I wanted so badly to believe this was all a trick. I desperately held out hope that this was just a prank to get people to appreciate some mystery console Microsoft was going to release that had all the great gaming qualities that people came to expect from them. I fucking tweeted about it!

The longer I wait the less likely it seems that a Microsoft rep will jump out and yell "just kidding!" #microsoftwhy #cuphands
— Peter Kenney (@random_pete) May 30, 2013

          Now it's important to note that Microsoft, presumably after an afternoon of angry mob-imposed electroshock, retracted most of the terrible policies that it tried to get past everyone. We could share games, an internet connection was now only required once at startup, and they were now acting less like complete dicks towards the people from whom they received crazy amounts of money. Nevertheless, it's important to remember what the executives of Microsoft tried to do to its loyal customers. We gave nothing but love and appreciation, even countless Red Rings of Death later, and we were summarily rewarded with swift, numerous and merciless punches to the stomach and as we lay coughing on the cold ground we could only see Microsoft pulling our wallet out of our pocket, taking everything of value, throwing the empty fold of leather back in our face and capping it all off with a particularly hateful-feeling loogie to the eye.

          A year later, after that complete and utter heartbreak, I can see that XBox One (for the remainder of this post I will be referring to as "XBone") has picked itself up from the depths of unfathomable hatred and has gone about its business pretending that ugliness never happened. It has exhibited its prowess as a gaming console, an entertainment center, and a tool of myriad uses. All of which to entice everyone into forgetting what it tried to do, what it honestly thought it could just get away with because "Hey I'm XBone and every single one of you will bow before me. Offer me tribute ye puny mortals, for I am the eternal next-gen console!"

          So to you Microsoft I say this; It's been a year since you drunkenly stumbled into my house and viciously beat me from room to room, demanding I give you money and insisting the beatings will continue even if I paid you, and even though you've come back with flowers, gifts, and an apologetic look on your face I cannot forget the pain you inflicted on me as well as my friends. I honestly thought I could look past it after a year, but with E3 returning again all I can associate with you is agonizing despair. I never wanted it to end like this, with so much unspoken animosity between us. I honestly thought we would have another decade or so together before we had to say our goodbyes, but this... obviously you had no intention of maintaining any kind of friendship, you weren't interested in me, you were interested in my money. Maybe a few more years and you'll see just how big a mistake you made, at least, that's what I hope. Maybe you'll reflect on the consequences of your actions, maybe you'll apologize and actually mean it, but until then I don't want to hear from you. You and I are done, after over 10 years of fun and friendship you blew it. I can't forgive you, and I don't see any point in the future where I could bring myself to do so.

          I wish you luck in your future XBone, hopefully you'll find happiness somewhere besides the inside of someone's wallet. As for me, I expect to never see you again, because your hurtful and heart-wrenching betrayal has given me the resolve to finally buy a Playstation 4. Sony asks nothing more of me than you did when we were friends, maybe you'll remember what that was like.

          Goodbye XBone, you smug, self-imposing piece of shit.
           -Peter